Who still uses Livejournal? Tumblr reigns supreme with interesting visuals which I do enjoy. But there is much to be... said. Not seen but to be read, be thankful you can read and this squiggles you can understand, that you can make something of! Sorry to keep forcing thankfulness down throats...

Sitting on the 16th floor of One Raffles Quay, its not a bad view, I can look into the South Tower and see people having meetings, a guy sitting down with a cup of coffee and a group of people laughing together. I need a binoculars to become an official peeping tom. But really, after reading Douglas Coupland's Player One and being major mind fucked in the process, he forces me to consider my existence more seriously. Usually I just shrug it off with nonchalance... don't want to trouble myself with you know, why are we here, our purpose blah blah. But I'm sittiing down here, looking around at the Central Business District and I don't know what to make of it all.

GET UP AND DO SOMETHING BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE

'Speed Racer, my friend, never ever let people know what you want. Because if you do, you might as well send them engraved invitations saying, "Hi, this is what I want you to prevent me from ever having"

Bitter.
I am not bitter.'

-Gum Thief, Douglas Coupland

I know this is a good book from the first few pages already

I'm kinda sick of most people now. IDK, on my way to blocking out their bullshit. Feel like cutting out the unnecessary online connections like Twitter which has become a hassle (Facebook already done...) and just sticking to meeting my close friends. People who seem to be real friends (well, my definition of friends). People who can tolerate me from time to time but tell me when I'm crossing the line, are completely honest with me when there is a need, where I can rely on them just as they can rely on me. Yay it's wonderful to have friends!

Social isolation, however, is something I enjoy sometimes. (why do I sound do douchey??) Not like I suddenly become an outcast but it's more like I have alone time. I like walking to libraries and places and think on my own. I guess this is why I like shopping alone! I plan to be productive... even in this period of rest. After all, I have so little time. 

Yeah hope is good. embrace it. 

I'm sitting here, wondering. My head is upside down. What's going to happen?

YES! I say yes :)

 You have no idea how your letter keeps me going!
It encourages me to remain that hopeful, optimistic person and it saves me from being cynical and judgemental
I realise this is my third blog post of the day ha whatevs

I close my eyes and it takes me back more than 2 years to happy times


HURRAH! 
I LOVE EVERYONE!

But before that... 
If you're thinking of me the same way that I think you are, right now
Then you never knew me at all :)


Durggy

 Things I want to do after A's

-Get a job
-Volunteer at SPCA/Red Cross
-90210/HIMYM/anything marathons
-Staying over at Chermmie's place
-Class stay over?
-Go clubbing with Paddz
-Go overseas (HK?) with Chermz all
-Discussing plans for the future with friends 
-Have a smashing Prom
-Read 100 books (read that 20 books to read before you die list)
-Rediscover life, THAT THERE IS A LIFE BESIDES STUDYING
-Dinners with family 
-Lazing around, stuffing my face with chocolate
-Going to Starbucks to read a book
-Be wiser
-Visit Grandma
-Horror movie/Harry Potter marathon
-Picnic
-Take up painting again
-Try to save up for Tokyo
-Sort priorities
-Go fishing... or something ha
-Try to get Mom to adopt a dog
-Buy Xbox/PS with Brody FINALLY
-Spend a night on the streets
-Slowly but carefully burn my History notes
-The beach in the evening
-Papadum making and indian movies with Alcina
-Meeting up with other friends than AC/Crescent
-Give out more hugs (to the willing ones)
-Be thankful
-Love myself more
-Spend nights on the grass under the stars :)
-Paint toenails and fingernails whatever colour I want
-Random piercing
-Spend a day playing Monopoly
-Underwater world?
-SHOPPING (how did I miss this)
-Watching silly movies in cinema
-Lie in bed the whole day
-I really want a dog/cat
-Volunteer with kids!
-Be there for the people who may need me
-Watch a play/public performance (Disney On Ice!)
-Go to an exhibition (museum day)
-Walk long distances
-Eat Kit Kats and take a fucking break 
-Exam notes bonfire?
-Cycling (get over my phobia of falling)
-Be lovable and adorable at all times
-Meet my long lost frie :) 

There is still so much more up in my head but my notes are calling me... will update later. Maybe not. HA 

 I don't understand why I have to conform to a set of rules, of dreams... I long to be me. And I realized I've tried to change to make things "convenient" but really, it's better to be me. I/you/we/this am/are/is temporary. Temporary!

 Stay.

Sometimes I really think I'm going crazy. And I think how much easier it would be if I just... 
Every single time. I am about to give up, go backwards...
I have to think 'Is this the thing that's going to break me now?' It seems easy to say yes.
Just to give up GIVE UP 
I use this blog to explore my dark side. We all have one. And time and again, it rears it's ugly head.
I used to think it's just so fucking easy to put it aside. 
They say put your worries aside for a minute.
But I see it polluting my mind. I really do. This is not a fucking joke. 
I am not being dramatic or poetic or some crap like that.
This is the real fucking deal. 
This is about as human as it can get.
I feel it twisting apart my brain. 

It would be easy... so easy... to be that person. 
I stop and think now. I'm one little soul in millions. And then it becomes better. Somehow.
I don't know. 

It is unfair to say 'nobody understands'. I'm eternally grateful for the people who try, for me. 

When I'm down, and this is happening very often, being thankful for the things I already have is what gets me through.
I still don't know much about purposes... but, I'm working on it. :)

 Hello bloggie. It has been awhile and I have some things to say.

Before I say em, I'm just glad you're here as a media platform for me to pour out the stuff in my head because seriously, no matter how many times you put some things under lock and key, they always come out to play until you talk em out.  

Sometimes I don't want much but sometimes I want the world. There are always more sides and layers to everything, you think you've unravelled one mystery but there are always others. And sometimes, it gets too fucking weird up here. I don't know whether it is degenerating to nothingness. But all I know is, I'm young and I must do things. My JC life seemed brisk and I was unable to do much, except lose a lot of things and crack some lame jokes...

This isn't about stupid, immature childhood dreams and dramatic feelings of vision and success... I feel it is something lying quietly in me, constantly asking my purpose and telling me to keep going on when I get tied down by those cumbersome insecurities and when I over think the words of others. Those days are gone.

I am done with narrow minded, ignorant humans who do not even begin to respect (genuinely I mean, not including certain jokes) culture, race or religion or not even any of those heavy stuff, just basically respect a fellow human being. You constantly disgust me... but it would be hypocritical of me because I see that everybody is different... and you are too. 

A Levels seems secondary until I have tied down these feelings and emotions... I have. Now I am ready and God, universe, world, just guide this little human along so I can understand purposes and be a better person... for you.